Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
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Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.