I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
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[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Weighing up my bread heating options
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Awwwww shit.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Legend 🤣🤣
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to