6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
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Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Risking my life for fun.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.