The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
You Might Also Like
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.