My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
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The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.