*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
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In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.