*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
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When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.