He just like my cat fr
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Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.