To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
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Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Thanks to a fan for this one!
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
won’t smith
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon