Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
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One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .