I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
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If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
*puts my mental health in rice
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Incredible customer service.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE