[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
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POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor