I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
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If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Sorry. Not sorry
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows