[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
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[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet