The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
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The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
I’m going to need a moment here.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
My birthstone is kidney
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.