I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
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Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.