This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
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My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”