Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
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Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Care for your back
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”