I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
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Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
bugs when you lift up a rock
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*