I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
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You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
One venti cheeseburger please.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand