I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
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The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
The old gods are rising again.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?