the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
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When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Lmao
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
“no gods no masters” = leo
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread