Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
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My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Namaste
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Jesus Christ lmao
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.