Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
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ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Oh hi lol
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults