“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
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I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
My sex drive has a dui
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Had an epiphany today.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?