Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
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The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
j o i m p
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
you stereotypes are all alike
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
#ProTip
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.