Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
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my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.