Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
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My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH