Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
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I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.