Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
You Might Also Like
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Childbirth is so beautiful
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
me and my fake scenarios
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.