ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
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Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
man: wait
time: no
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
I have obtained a hat
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.