Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
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Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.