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“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
the last thing a carrot sees