Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
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I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Tony Hawk, age 6
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0