Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
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I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
TODAY
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too