You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
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My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?