Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
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I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.