Do not steal food from the science building!
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Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Just why bro?!
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren