My apathy is at an all time whatever.
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Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.