Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
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i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!