The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
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looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.