I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
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Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
i think we should see other cousins
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?