Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
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*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Message from the dog groomers
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Ape together strong
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ