Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
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So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Facebook memories be like
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
sigh
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream