Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
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Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
had to make it
Money is the root of all wealth
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
early stone age tool
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.