Watson was Holmes schooled
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having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR