They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
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Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
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