I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
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ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Employees must applaud the planets.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.