Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
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Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.