I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
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“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend