“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
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Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.